Things I've Learnt

Good Afternoon, and Welcome Back.

Today, let’s chat about Things I’ve Learnt from past relationships. With the exception of one, I have no passionate animosity to any of these people. A lot of them are still in my life and a few of them are still my very close friends or in my life anyway.

Quick Key:

• RR means Romantic Relationship
• SR means Sexual Relationship.

SR’s may have had romantic factors, but they are not official “you and I are together” relationships. Equally, this post isn’t something I’m loving the concept of editing. I’d like to keep my personality in this post so it may be a little rough around the edges: an intentional choice.

Whilst writing this I’ve attempted to keep it concise, but I’ve realised I’m going to make this a 2-part post separated by Pre- and During-/Post-University. Finally, I’d like to reiterate what I said in my introductory post: Most of this will be censored and most important ages and locations will be changed. This isn’t a witchhunt for these people so there’s no point dragging up things most of them have almost certainly not thought about since. This is for me to share what I learnt.

Having said that, this is a warning. I talk about a lot of personal experiences including abuse, non-consent, age gaps, grooming, pressure, blackmail/manipulation, and mental health issues including eating issues and self-harm. The warning applies to RR2, SR1, RR3 and SR2, and is lightly referenced in the last past relationship. Their “names” will be in bold and say TW beforehand just to remind you. Happy times ahead folks!

Let’s Begin:

Oscar (RR 1) - I learnt that being in love sometimes just isn’t enough.

We truly cared about each other. It was over a year long relationship. I was turning 15 and they 18, and I never felt pressured. They were the first person I came out to about being Bisexual, and then they came out to me too. It was a supportive environment and what we needed; even if, to this day, I’m still convinced their mother was never a fan of me! I still have a lot of fond memories and, due to them now being in a happy relationship with one my friends, I’ll probably end up seeing them in a post-COVID world. I don’t dread it at all. They’re very happy together and I wish them all the best. But we didn’t work out just because we were growing differently as people. Equally, mental health took a large toll on me and I wouldn’t have been able to commit to long distance at such a young age. Finally, the thing that Oscar did to wrong me was that they were “in an online relationship” with someone international before me and during our relationship and I didn’t know until just before our one-year anniversary. That person also didn’t know about us. The argument was whether or not it was a real relationship, but to that person it was which affected Oscar and I. You learnt from that though, and I’m happy to say that for a first relationship, I’m beyond glad this was mine. They taught me a lot about myself. Oscar, there’s a chance you may read this: Thank you for teaching me about boundaries. I learnt what I considered important or not important, the value of communication, and I’m happy to have grown with you. Spoiler Alert: this was all learnt in hindsight because I flip the bird to this subsequently for the next…. 3(?) years.

TW Andy (RR 2) – Oh what I didn’t learn from this ex. They’re going to appear throughout a couple of these, so in case you’re wondering “is this all the same Andy?” – Yes.

Toxicity Personified. I was unhealthy towards this person and I can’t deny that, but equally they were MANY years older than me and in a position of power. Upon reflection years later, and with the added benefit of therapy, I’ve come to realise that “No” was never really an option. I blamed myself for everyone who got hurt, for myself and what happened to me. Isolation from my friends, lying to everyone I knew to keep this ridiculousness alive. We broke up over a dozen times with the fun lines of “if you’ll leave me, I’ll kill myself”, returning possessions just to have them handed back. This partner blackmailed me into stopping self-harming which is partially beneficial -at least I stopped- but equally means I never stopped with my own strength and has definitely affected my habits and urges. This also included my first experience of sex (16 years old), alongside what I now know as unethical non-monogamy. I thought I loved them. I really, truly did. Now I realise I never loved them- I mimicked their affection towards me. I cannot explain to anyone how trapped I felt. Remember that “with the exception of one ex”? This is that ex. Yes, I’ve always been considered mature for my age, but I was still a minor (under 16) when we first met, and they were in a position of power. I may have been mature but not worldly/experienced which they knew and utilised against me. At least once a month I think about whether or not they date and tell people about me. I wonder about the story they tell this new person. I’ve kept every message and every image ever sent between us because I swore that if they ever take advantage of someone again and I find out about it, I’d come for them. They ruined my confidence, recovery, every relationship I had at the time which didn’t include them, and almost every element of my personality I had at that time. I was toxic, and I accept that. I cheated, and that ruins some people. But I was manipulated into dating someone older than me. I don’t feel bad about doing what I did to get through the moment. Andy, if you’re reading this (doubt that highly but you never know): You ruined me, but I rebuilt better.

TW Harlen (SR 1) – I learnt that you can never truly know what someone’s sexuality is more than what they tell you, and sometimes this may mean you get hurt in “exploration”.

This was during my relationship with Andy, and an even bigger age gap between myself and Harlen. They also abused their power. I was told that Andy and Harlen began talking and had sex to test “sexual compatibility” with the three of us as Harlen had shown an interest in becoming involved. My first ever same sex experience led to lots of promising… followed by ghosting and manipulation yet again. This was also their first same sex experience and I often feel like they only agreed to this dynamic for exploration and nothing else. I think Harlen wasn’t ready to deal with their sexuality and the internalised Biphobia combined with the embarrassment of the whole arrangement (including the very large age gap) created a shame/panic response. This experience forced Andy and myself further into each other’s arms and delayed my ability to leave. Sometimes I still struggle to separate my feelings towards some form of media and my associations I have with specific individual. It took me 2 and a half years to recover from a 2-week instance just to watch Harry Potter again. Harlen, if you’re reading this (another circumstance I equally doubt): I hope you found confidence in who you are as a person now, but yet again if you go near another minor (below 18) I will come for you too.

I hope I traumatised them both that they’d never consider going near someone that young ever again.

TW Finn (RR3) – I learnt that some folks just aren’t ready and that’s okay.

I’m pretty gutted to TW this one as it isn’t traumatic within myself and Finn, but so much interference from Andy means I have to. I broke up with Andy for this one; the year below me at school and to this day one of my closest friends. I tried to keep a platonic relationship with Andy as they were my “best friend” which meant I was struggling to balance the emotional manipulation combined with New Relationship Energy and feelings towards Finn. They’d come out of an INCREDIBLY toxic long-term relationship and therefore just used me as rebound. I’d like to say that I was shocked, but upon reflection I think I knew that and took advantage of the vulnerable space they were in. Equally, I needed someone to help. I needed someone to distract me from my own issues. I needed someone that helped me feel like I had control and purpose. Finn is currently floating through life and they know I’ll always be there for them. Finn, you may read this: know you’re the closest I’ve ever been to the stereotype of “right person, wrong time”

TW Dean (SR2) – I learnt that we should normalise personal reflection from a much younger age.

If you read this Dean -which is a chance as we still talk occasionally- know that as much as we hurt each other, I’d go back and do it again. I was cheating on Andy with Dean. It came from the hurt of Finn leaving me for his Toxic Ex (we all must make mistakes to learn) and panic about being back with Andy. Remember, I thought I loved Andy but also felt trapped. Holy Red-Flag Batman! So I cheated, serially. But before that, this person confessed that they loved me and that they wanted to be with me. I couldn’t reciprocate that emotional response so I “compromised” by having sex with them, in the attempts to make sure they felt connected and borderline bribe them to maintain our friendship. I know it was wrong and a horrible thing to do. I was lonely and couldn’t risk using friends. This was the justification I had for being “the Andy” of Dean’s life (minus some of the worst of it). The resentment this created; I couldn’t leave Andy which Dean couldn’t understand festered jealousy, anger, and hatred. Dean was the first one that made me feel I had to defend Andy when they called him a P*dophile. After months of emotional abuse from both sides, some people (coming soon) persuaded me to leave them both behind. Dean, you might read this. Hell, I may even just tell you about it: who knows? Either way: you were right for hating me, and I know upon reflection you were trying to help. But I can see that you blatantly were doing it for selfish reasons and not because you wanted to save me from Andy. Whether you knew that at the time or not is irrelevant. I forgive you, as you know, and I’m glad you’re happy and finding your way. But I want you to identify the fact that you were not being horrific to me to “help” or “show me the truth”. You were doing it because you couldn’t communicate your feelings and were taking it out on me in resentment. I’d have never listened to what you were saying, and instead of walking away from it all you took that out on me. I’m not sure you ever saw my perspective, but I hope reading this allows you to do so. I wish you’d have been developed enough at the time to identify that, but I just don’t think you were mature enough at that time.

River (SR3) – I learnt that sex doesn’t always have to strengthen or weaken a friendship.

I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot to say about this one except developing our friendship to include sex was not something that made us have a stronger bond, it just made us have better jokes. River will be reading this because he’s literally told me to send this to him once I post it: you helped me feel safe outside of Dean and Andy. Could have never done it without you boo. Thanks for being grand. I wish you had more confidence in yourself, because then maybe others would see how superb you are and love you like I do.

Matt (Current) – Oh what I have learnt from this man so far. A very small summary: I learnt that Non-Monogamy can be healthy, loving, adaptable, realistic, and empowering if people are willing to actually work on the relationship.

Matt came before River (how immature of you), but I’ve left him to the end because he’s current. For many reasons, I hope we never separate but one would include that I’d come back and read this sappy mess during an inevitable depressive period. “But this blog post is titled Past Relationships so why are you bringing him up?” Because I want to talk about where Matt and I were at Pre-University. Also, this is my post and I’ll change my rules when I want: thank you. Matt and I started off casually with me cheating on Andy [a plot twist]. Between Matt and River, they gave me the confidence and encouraged me to break everything off with Dean and Andy in my own time. They persuaded me that I wouldn’t be alone if both of them left, and they were right. Never abandoned me once. Before I left for university, matt and I were casual, no-strings-attached. He was angry and I was (/am) damaged. Loathing and angst that we both had to work through. Separation made the heart grow fonder and Matt realised just how much he loved me- something I remind him of a lot more than I should. We spoke through it all and he taught me that someone who truly loves me would be willing to understand who I am as a person. I thought that the trapped feeling I experienced with Andy was because of him being horrible and me being inexperienced in relationships. In actual fact, it’s because I’m not a One Person sort of Person. I have no reason to lie about my attraction to other people anymore, because Matt lets me be attracted to others. It’s a dynamic that works for us and forced me to give up the compulsive liar persona that I developed to cope with the secret lives/relationships I was trying to maintain. Pre-University us were angry and sad, but we worked together to get by. And then we got better. Matt: Thank you for letting me open your world up to Non-Monogamy and going through the struggle with me. You’ve helped me grow and will continue to do so with me- I’m certain.

I’m going to take this opportunity to end with my final Pre-University Non-Platonic relationship:

TW Rhyana (RR/SR) – I Learnt that you were stronger than you thought.

Whilst the ages of others (with the exception of Oscar) have been kept pretty much anonymous, I’d like to say that all of this happened from the end of my GCSE’s to the end of my gap year. It’s a lot for anyone for 3 years alongside part-time work, A-Levels, and trying not to succumb completely to my own brain. I’d also like to thank Rhyana for getting through that time. Even though I’m not living my best life currently, this is the best version of me that I’ve ever been. I’m eating consistently, have been going through therapy, I’m honest to a fault, and have been (intentionally) self-harm free since the 16th of January 2016 which is currently 1803 days. You’ve occasionally stood up for yourself against some negative influences that will remain in your life for a while, and you make some harsh decisions knowing the struggle that will come with them instead of just ignoring the issue. My friends find me funny, loyal, and determined. They trust me, which is a descriptor that not many could have attributed to me around 2016. I can be authentically myself, including when I’m having bad days. I even got my Depression, Anxiety and Mild Paranoia diagnoses from medical professionals. We were a little slow on the dyslexia so missed our shot with that one, but you also got over your classist mentality of thinking self-diagnoses are never valid. You’ve become the most impassioned anarchist protector of the marginalised you’ve ever been, and even encouraged people to vote. Although, I’m afraid to tell you that, to this day, I’m 70% certain Andy was a Tory. Yeesh. Rhyana, if you could read this: know it’s not the best but it is 200% better than wherever you are now. You travel, you love, you receive love, you learn the true definition of physical and emotional pain, and you become the most real version you’ve ever been. I’m bloody proud of you. The photo of this post is from the night of your Year 11 Prom- you’d met Andy but not that far in. This is the beginning of the rest for you, and this was the saddest your eyes had consistently looked until now. But once we hit 20, our eyes never look this hollow again. At 21, we stop making ourselves small just to appease uncomfortable White people. I wish I’d done that sooner. Hug Nan for me and come out as Bi to her: you’re probably out of time anyway but it’s good to know I retroactively tried. Your relationship with yourself -your body, personality, and mind- will be very hit-and-miss, but it will never be lower than it is right now. You can and do get through it.

For now,

Rhyana

PS: if you have an issue and you’re one of these people, let me know and we’ll work it out. Unless you’re Andy.