Things I've Learnt

Good Morning, and Welcome Back.

2020 - What a fucking year, right? I’m skipping “From Past Relationships” Part 2 right now because, frankly I’m in my feelings and will be too bias during part 2. So, this is a reflective post based on the year that was supposed to be “the beginning of the rest of my life.”

Context: I operate by 4 Calendars. They are as follows:

• The regular January – December

• Academic of September – August

• Tax of April – March

• MY year of August 20th to August 19th as that’s MY revolutions round the sun.

Pure narcissism but it means a lot for my mental health and successes that I celebrate my birthday. I take it very personally.

When I turned 21, I said I’d make MY year my bitch. That’s my 21st revolution round the Sun. I was going to do what makes me happy and say “fuck it” to everything else: work hard so I can afford to do what I fancy. I booked the gigs, theatre tickets, planned the holidays…. But a global pandemic decided that the new decade would not do me favours.

The Wins: I have my health, time to focus, a stable job, I’ve moved in with Matt, I’ve reconnected with friends I’d lost contact with whilst also gaining new connections. There’s a lot to be thankful for and I’ve definitely not had the worst year in the world. But I’ve also learnt a lot about myself and I grow. We grow. So here it is.

Lesson 1: The privilege of private therapy is real, and I’m beyond blessed to have it. It’s changed my life. I’m a real and better person than I was because of it. The 30th of August was my one-year anniversary of therapy. This is the longest I’ve ever maintained any form of professional help for my mental health. I’m working to unpack my trauma and minimise my guards that have been up for as long as I can remember. However, I would never have come this far if I’d have not gone private. I’m incredibly thankful for the opportunity, and if I ever become financially stable enough, I’d love to help fund charities for more therapists. Comprehensive support for your mental health should not be gatekept by a paywall, and therapy is not just for people who are at their lowest. It’s for anyone who needs to talk to a professional about their life: help with decision-making or even reassessing habits/patterns/lifestyle choices.

Lesson 2: It’s never too late to re-enter education. I decided to go back to college to learn a trade and a career. I’m not sure it’s my forever career but it’ll allow me to gain financial independence and happiness to do whatever I fancy later down the line. I’m still struggling with the internalised shame of being a College beauty student and University Drop-Out as those were the butt of a lot of jokes during my earlier education. Regardless, I’m incredibly happy with my choice to start my journey into a non-retail-based career which will provide emotional validation for clients and focus my life meaning. It’s never too late to retrain in something you enjoy, and not everything you enjoy must be for the benefit of making money. Do things you enjoy solely because you enjoy it.

Lesson 3: Being broke is not just a state of mind. Short one this. I did nothing but go to and from work for roughly 5 months. How in the hell did I LOSE money? Worked more (lost more of my mental health doing so, mind you) and somehow still broke?! What sick joke is that?

Lesson 4: You can be happy how you are and still want to change.

TW folks: going to talk about my body and my relationship to clothing/size/food. Skip to lesson 5 if this is not for you. No judgement.

I finally became a shape I didn’t hate over lockdown, but as is per with my luck, none of the clothes that made me feel confident fit anymore because I bought them all when I had a worse relationship with food and was quite unhealthy. This was specifically through University when my mental health was incredibly low. I gained my style, lost my ability to wear it and rebuying is not a huge option due to finances and fast fashion being the worst. I thought once I was happy, I’d be okay just maintaining it. Yet now I want to change again just to be as happy as I currently aim to be. 2021 requires fitness and health, but what a massive mindfuck. 2021 will have me be healthy and happy whilst looking my best again.

Lesson 5.1: No matter the bonds you have with another, they may struggle to be upfront and may need you to reach out. A few of my closest folks were struggling in silence and thought myself and Matt weren’t struggling with loneliness because “we have each other”. When I finally admitted how bad myself and Matt were doing through lockdown, it created a safer environment and emotional realisation for them to breakdown and be real. We’re best friends but still didn’t think to just be upfront with how bad it was happening until it was much later. But this also lead on to-

Lesson 5.2: Some people just can’t match your commitment to their friendships. If you’re reading this, it’s probably not about you. It’s not even an indirect statement: if you think it’s about you, send me a message and I’ll clarify. I created a lot of friendships this year that burned hot and heavy, but only for a small period. Sometimes I need to remember that what I expect, other people cannot provide. Equally, other people haven’t had the benefit of therapy and working through their deep-seated trauma which doesn’t allow them to communicate effectively. A lot of people communicate differently to others and that will sometimes cause issues. I just wish more people could cope with their fears and actually talk to one another about how they’re feeling. It would mean a lot less people are hurt for a lot less time.

I had a few people I care about this year avoid telling me what I already knew, and that’s okay because it meant I could prepare for it. But on the other hand, it meant I had to confront them because the mental gymnastics and me dragging along dead weight was too much for me to deal with. I expect open communication and mutual respect but some folks just ain’t there yet. I hope you get there. I hope reading this means people in the future will just be honest from the jump. But I know mental health affects people different ways and in 2021 I aim to be more patient and stronger when I’m hurt by friends. I also aim to remember that folks don’t owe you the same energy back: checking on others doesn’t mean they have to check on you.

Finally, Lesson 6: Surviving is perfectly okay. I’m 22- I don’t have to have a £20k annual salary in a field I love, and a mortgage on my own property. AND THAT’S OKAY! I need to stop comparing myself to others and forcing myself into unrealistic timelines. I’ll get there when I get there, and that’s fine by me.

For now,

Rhyana

Happy New Year folks.